A client said to me the other day, ‘everyone wants to be with someone’. Well, not everyone I know wants that and certainly not me. I’ve been on my own for around 7 years now, I love my life and even though there are times I wish I had a companion, these days I’m happy just the way I am. It took me a long time and a lot of work to get here but I was worth it!
For years before my marriage ended, I didn’t feel seen, heard, or loved but I stayed, as many people do, and in my head all the reasons why were sound and reasonable. At the time I didn’t realise the damage I was doing by putting my emotional wellbeing last because I was going through the motions of daily life; but as I became increasingly unhappy, lonely, and sad, my self-worth and self-esteem became non-existent. I didn’t trust myself to take care of me until life became so intolerable that I had no choice; the Universe gave me a massive push and now, every day, in every way, I’m so grateful that I found my way back to the me that I had ignored and pushed aside for so long.
I love the concept of true love. I love romantic movies; I love seeing people who are happily together, and I love the thought that there’s such a thing as a soul mate; but when Tom tells Renee “You complete me”, I don’t go all gooey and wish that for myself because I know, trust, and believe that the only person that can ever complete me, is me. So, in the tradition of Snoop Dogg’s famous speech, I’d like to take this moment to thank me for creating the new opportunities I’ve experienced in my life, I want to thank me for realising that only I can back myself and know what the right thing is for me and importantly, I want to thank me for finding ways to love and appreciate myself completely.
Contrary to what an astounding number of women of all ages I know and coach believe, a partner is not a plan. Their purpose in life is not to save you or provide for you, your happiness is not their responsibility and most certainly no one can complete you but you. When you understand the choices about your life are for you and you alone, not only do you make better decisions for yourself but your significant other and family benefit because when you’re doing great, you’re in a better place to consider the greater good and positively impact the special people in your world.
The reason all of this is on my mind is because I’ve just decided for the 50th time online dating is not for me. I was with a group of girlfriends the other Saturday night and we decided to ‘help’ one of them with her online dating profile. We were swiping left, slowing down to view profiles, swiping right, accidentally ‘super liking’ people we wanted to move on and laughing at the awkward conversations that would likely result. I don’t know how any of our choices turned out for my friend, but she wasn’t feeling confident about meeting the love of her life this way. I know people who are saddened by never getting a match despite them being super attractive. I know others who tap into the hope and excitement of engaging in conversation only to feel rejected when they’re suddenly ghosted. For those looking for Mr or Mrs Right, if their self-worth isn’t at peak level when they start looking, this online dating gig can be pretty demoralizing. Then there are the first date disasters; no-shows, awkward conversations, mismatched ideals, and unrealistic expectations. A quick coffee is the best first date, a meal can become way too much of a time investment and there’s always the chance the other person may or may not turn up. We’re told it’s the only way to meet people these days and I do know couples who happily met online but given the number of people trying their luck, I think that outcome is akin to winning the lotto.
A challenge for many people looking for true love online is knowing that the person they are talking to is always on the lookout for someone better and they know this to be true because that’s what they are doing, too. If only more people could realise that their one, true love in this life is themselves. That’s right, it’s you; as you’re reading this blog, know and understand you are the one true love of your life, there’s no need to look any further but within. We don’t need another person to perfect our lives, what we need to do is expand, grow, and nurture our love and respect for ourselves. To do this we need to set boundaries about what we will and won’t accept and we must treat ourselves as well as we treat our closest friends. There’s nothing missing if you’re missing nothing in your daily life. So how do we achieve this happiness that comes from within, the internal glow that is provided by you and not a significant other? By realizing that you are your significant other and anyone else in your life is not here to complete you.
You’re not broken or incomplete without a partner; your perfect match appears in your life to complement and enhance your experience, not be responsible for it. They are not an essential part of your life; they are someone you choose to invite in because they help you to better enjoy each and every day. To get to this point you’ve got to do a lot of inner work, it takes time, it takes some tears but it’s worth it. Take some tips from someone who’s now an old hat at this:
Decide you are your own perfect partner, best friend and companion and start to treat yourself that way by setting boundaries that serve you.
Be gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself by making sure that self-care is a priority in your day-to-day life.
Look after yourself physically by moving in ways you enjoy and eating healthily. Look after your body and it will look after you.
Discover hobbies that feed your curiosity, interest and heart and meet likeminded people who enrich your life.
Forgive and comfort yourself through times of loneliness, this feeling can last a long time or a moment, depending on what strategies you have in place to deal with it. A strong and varied friendship group that you can tap into helps enormously; gift yourself with friends who love you, will be there for you when you’re at a low ebb and make you laugh and appreciate how special life is when we share it with others.
Step out of your comfort zone; life is short and living it in a rut is not happiness. Find ways to see the world through a different lens, work at becoming more emotionally intelligent, resilient, and robust. Put yourself in situations that are uncomfortable, scary, and even terrifying and observe how they can be oddly satisfying. I don’t mean silly, dangerous things. I mean doing things where failing is a real possibility and then figuring out how you can do better, again and again and again. Stop telling yourself you can’t and start telling yourself you can! You will love the achievement you experience when you put yourself out there.
Like attracts like; if you’re working to grow, evolve and be the best person you can be, the odds are good you will attract and meet people who are at a similar phase of evolution. If you do meet someone who feels right, know and trust you will only choose them if their values are aligned to yours, and you can see the ways they will complement you and help you grow further as you explore life together. If that’s not their vibe, if you can see drama, lowering of boundaries, compromising values and disharmony ahead, honour yourself and walk away knowing and trusting that is the right decision for you. The love and esteem in which you hold yourself is not theirs to take and it’s not something you have to diminish. Your great love for you and the life you cultivate is something you enjoy for yourself before sharing it with others; always shine your light, never let anyone dull your sparkle and enjoy living and loving your life, your way.
A life filled with RICHES is one where we learn to love ourselves completely and create great life choices. You can download Module 1 for free, click on the button below. For your free first module of our RICHES program, click here. If you want to work with me and learn ways to become the love of your life, head over to my booking page for a free Clarity Call.